This article is the last reflection in The Seven Faces of Grief for Men series.
It explores fathers and grief. The losses fathers experience that come not from death, but from distance, disconnection, and unmet dreams.
At-a-Glance Summary
Core Idea: Fatherhood grief is not only about losing a child; it is about the living losses fathers face: distance, silence, and the fading of the connection that once defined them.
Why It Matters: As fathers, the desire to protect is inherent. It is the role we step into often before we realise it. However, when protection fails — when distance, divorce, or time make defence impossible, grief takes over. If that grief is not named, love turns to silence.
What Helps: Recognising ambiguous losses, honouring estrangement, breaking inherited patterns.
Who It is For: Fathers, sons, and men carrying the weight of love they can’t express.
Fatherhood grief is the sorrow men experience not only after the death of a child, but in the many quiet deaths that happen within life itself — distance, disconnection, estrangement, and lost purpose.
While bereavement may be part of this territory, this essay concentrates on the other, often unseen types of loss that fathers bear.
Understanding Fathers and Grief
When a father’s love has nowhere to go
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself…
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”
— Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet
There is a moment every father faces, that moment he realises his love can no longer protect, persuade, or provide for his children as it once did.
He has bent, as Rumi’s bow must bend, steady in the archer’s hand, so his children can fly far, even when it means standing alone once they have gone.
This is the hidden cost of fatherhood: the grief of letting go without being seen, the sacred sorrow of loving in silence.
Reflect:
Can you love what has outgrown your arms without trying to pull it back?
Talk it through – you do not have to keep dealing with it alone.
What is fatherhood grief?
Fatherhood grief is loss without funerals. It is love that lingers with nowhere to land. It is felt when children drift away, when courts decide contact, when old wounds echo through new generations.
There are no rituals for this kind of mourning, only men holding quiet ache behind steady eyes (Doka, 2002; Martin & Doka, 2000).
When that ache stays unspoken, it can harden. Depression, anger, or numbness take their place (Addis & Mahalik, 2003).
However, when men name their grief, something loosens. The potential for presence returns, and the possibility of connection re-opens.
“Men rarely call it grief—they call it failure, duty, or life moving on.”
Reflect:
What losses have you carried as a father for so long that they have become part of how you walk?
When children choose different paths
As new fathers, holding our babies, we often picture life with our sons or daughters. With our sons, we imagine them in roles we haven’t yet achieved, talking about sports on weekends, and understanding each other with a few words.
Instead, when our sons choose different paths, much of what we imagined, hoped for, and looked forward to comes to an end. For many fathers and sons, it isn’t just the obvious differences; it is the familiar rhythm between them — the easy chat about footy, the shared humour, the feeling of being cut from the same cloth.
Our conversations end up feeling like translations of two different languages.
Our sons are alive and thriving, yet as fathers, we grieve something hard to name — not the child himself, but the connection that once bridged us.
This is ambiguous loss (Boss, 2006): when a loved one is still physically present but emotionally or psychologically distant from the image we once held.
For many fathers, identity and closeness are built around shared doing, the job, the sport, the project. When these overlaps vanish, silence moves in.
What was once bonding becomes polite distance, and men rarely have the words to grieve that kind of fading.
“Sometimes fathers grieve not the child they have, but the story they can no longer tell.”
Reflect:
Where have your shared rhythms with a child fallen quiet? What might that silence be saying?
What if fatherhood were never about raising a reflection of yourself, but learning to love what does not resemble you at all?
When divorce or court orders break the bond
Few wounds cut deeper than hearing a judge decide when you can see your own child.
This is a complex area because, in some situations, restrictions are necessary for children’s safety. However, in others, a man is left feeling punished for circumstances he didn’t cause.
Research shows that fathers facing court-mandated separation experience complicated grief—despair, helplessness, and a shattered identity (Saini, 2016; Nielsen, 2018). Each missed call, each unopened birthday card, reopens the wound.
Divorce and separation have their own grief that is often not recognised by society – Men Divorce and Grief: Healing After Love Ends. Restricted access to children is a further grief that must be navigated when the relationship ends.
Culture adds insult to injury: “absent father” too often becomes shorthand for an “irresponsible man,” not “grieving man.” It erases the fathers who still care, who still try, who still ache to be part of their children’s lives. Behind this stereotype are men who love fiercely yet are barred from showing it.
Their grief lives in silence, paperwork, and photos scrolled at midnight.
“Estranged fathers live in exile—punished for caring too deeply and speaking too little.”
Reflect:
If the system has taken your place, how do you keep your heart in the story?
Talk it through – there is space for your side of the story
When the past speaks through your father’s voice
I can remember the first time I held my newborn daughter. The sense of joy, of wonder, of responsibility. The awareness that something had shifted irrevocably within me, and yet, in the corner of my mind, I wondered what my father felt when he held me as a newborn. Was there a sense of wonder, of love? Was there a time before our relationship soured by disappointment, distrust, the silences where we carefully avoided each other and the simmering rage that lay underneath our polite exteriors, where there was love?
My experience of being wounded by my father shaped this article
The Father Wound: How It Shapes a Man’s Relationship with Vulnerability – Mentoring Through The Maze
This is inherited grief (Osherson, 1986); the ache that passes quietly from one generation to the next. A son grows into a father while still carrying the hunger he once felt as a boy.
Jung (1954) described the father archetype as the core pattern that influences how men understand power, love, and protection. When that archetype is wounded, it teaches men to associate strength with distance and authority with silence. Many vow to “do it differently,” but without healing that deeper imprint, they end up repeating the very silence they once resented.
Healing requires mourning both the father you had and the father you needed.
“Every father bears the echo of the boy he once was, still waiting for his own father to turn towards him”.
Reflect:
Which of your father’s unspoken rules still run your life?
What if breaking the cycle begins with forgiving the man who didn’t know how to love?
The unseen losses of fatherhood
Fatherhood grief has many faces:
- Watching a child suffer through illness, addiction, or heartbreak—and being powerless to fix it.
- The grief of time, how work, duty, and distraction steal moments you cannot reclaim.
- Miscarriage and stillbirth—where the father’s sorrow disappears beneath focus on the mother (Puddifoot & Johnson, 2019).
- Empty-nest ache—where you feel your purpose as a father fading when the daily need for you ends.
“The hardest thing to forgive is the time we didn’t know we were wasting.”
For many men, and particularly as fathers, grief can be complex.
The Complexities of Grief in Men’s Lives – Mentoring Through The Maze
Reflect:
Which version of yourself do you grieve—the father you were, or the one you never became?
Why men’s grief stays hidden
As men, we are often taught to fix rather than feel; to provide rather than process. Stoicism and control clash with grief’s chaos (Levant & Kopecky, 1995). As a result, many men grieve through doing what Martin and Doka (2000) call instrumental grief. We work longer hours, build decks, lift weights—anything to keep moving. Action becomes our armour.
However, action without feeling turns to distance and distance, left too long, becomes a legacy that impacts those around us.
Discover more about how men navigate silence and healing in grief.
Men’s Grief and Healing | Navigating Silence, Strength, and Recovery
Reflect:
When was the last time you shared your sadness or disappointment with someone?
What if the strength you’ve been proving is the very thing keeping you from peace?
How fathers begin to heal
Healing doesn’t start with answers—it starts with honesty. To say I miss my child or I wish it had been different is to reclaim the voice grief stole.
Neimeyer (2001) calls this meaning-making—transforming pain into a story.
Fathers don’t need to “move on.” They need to move with what remains.
Five steady steps
- Name the loss. Write what you have never said—to your child, your father, yourself.
- Create a ritual. When Matthew, my son, died, my ritual was to go to Karrakatta every weekend and place flowers at his plaque. I did that ritual for a year until the container of my grief had grown strong enough. Find a ritual that has meaning for you, build something, visit somewhere that holds the memory.
- Replace “I failed” with “I learned.”
- Move your body. Physical motion grounds emotion.
- Find a witness. Sit in spaces where men speak truth without judgement.
“Healing as a father begins the moment you stop trying to be one without a heart.”
Reflect:
What would it look like to stay present, even when it still hurts?
Take the first step back towards connection.
The wisdom in the bending.
Rumi’s image returns:
“Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So he loves also the bow that is stable.”
Grief is the bending. It is love stretching beyond control.
The bow that bends but does not break proves its strength through surrender.
To grieve is to stay steady while life pulls you toward letting go.
Reflect:
Can you see your bending as grace, not defeat?
What if grief is not what ends love, but what deepens it?
What remains when fathers face their grief
Often, there is no final chapter for fathers and grief; there is only making peace with what is. To keep showing up, even after loss, is how men rebuild from the inside out.
“You cannot rewrite the story, but you can re-enter it—as the man you have become.”
Fatherhood is not about perfection.
It is about courage—the willingness to stay open after being broken.
Every step toward honesty restores something sacred between father and child, and within the man himself.
Call to Action — Unspoken Grief
Name what you lost. Honour what still aches.
You do not have to hold it alone.
Book a free 30-minute mentoring call to see if it is right for you.
Recommended Reading
If this reflection resonated with you, these related articles explore other ways men experience and carry grief:
Understanding how men process loss and why many struggle to find words for what they feel.
How culture and masculine expectations shape the way men express – or suppress their grief.
Why connection is often the missing piece in men’s recovery from loss and grief.
Reclaiming Pathways that Honour our Humanity
Finding ways to honour the grief that we will all experience.
While we do not choose to enter the maze of grief, it often serves as an initiation into uncovering deeper aspects of our humanity.
Key Takeaways
- Fatherhood grief is more than bereavement.
It is the pain of distance, disconnection, and unspoken love — the living losses that unfold while life goes on. - The instinct to protect runs deep.
When protection fails or is no longer possible, men often turn that pain inward instead of naming it as grief. - Silence hides what the heart still feels.
Fathers do not need to “move on”; they need space to move with what remains. - Connection can return in small, steady ways.
Reaching out — a message, an apology, a visit — can reopen trust, even after years of separation. - Grief is proof of love, not weakness.
To face it honestly is to reclaim strength, rebuild meaning, and reconnect with the people and places that still matter.
FAQ — Fathers and Grief
Q1. What is fatherhood grief?
Fatherhood grief is the emotional pain fathers experience through loss — not only when a child dies, but through distance, estrangement, or fading closeness.
Q2. How is a father’s grief different from a mother’s grief?
Fathers are often taught to process pain through action rather than emotion. That silence can make their grief invisible.
Q3. How can fathers heal after divorce or estrangement?
Name the loss. Create a ritual. Find spaces where men can speak without judgement — mentoring, men’s groups, or honest conversations.
Q4. What are the signs of unacknowledged grief?
Withdrawal, irritability, fatigue, or emptiness, even when life appears fine.
Q5. Can fathers rebuild a connection with adult children?
Yes — through small, consistent gestures. Reconnection begins with patience, not perfection.
Q6. When should a grieving father seek help?
If grief leads to hopelessness or thoughts of harm, reach out. Lifeline (13 11 14) or MensLine (1300 78 99 78) offer 24-hour support.
References
Addis, M. E., & Mahalik, J. R. (2003). Men, masculinity, and the contexts of help seeking. American Psychologist, 58(1), 5–14.
Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton.
Conti, R. P. (2015). Family estrangement: Establishing a prevalence rate. Journal of Psychology and Behavioural Science, 3(2), 28–35.
Doka, K. J. (Ed.). (2002). Disenfranchised grief: New directions, challenges, and strategies for practice. Research Press.
Erikson, E. H. (1959). Identity and the life cycle. International Universities Press.
Jung, C. G. (1954). The archetypes and the collective unconscious. Princeton University Press.
Krugman, S. (1995). Male development and the transformation of shame. In R. F. Levant & W. S. Pollack (Eds.), A new psychology of men (pp. 91–126). Basic Books.
Levant, R. F., & Kopecky, G. (1995). Masculinity reconstructed: Changing the rules of manhood. Dutton.
Martin, T. L., & Doka, K. J. (2000). Men don’t cry—women do: Transcending gender stereotypes of grief. Brunner/Mazel.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning reconstruction and the experience of loss. American Psychological Association.
Nielsen, L. (2018). Re-examining the research on parental alienation. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, 24(1), 102–127.
Osherson, S. (1986). Finding our fathers: How a man’s life is shaped by his relationship with his father. Fawcett Columbine.
Puddifoot, K., & Johnson, M. P. (2019). The grief response following a miscarriage: Male partners’ experiences. OMEGA—Journal of Death and Dying, 80(2), 199–217.
Saini, M. (2016). Parent–child relationships post-separation: Risk and resilience factors. Family Court Review, 54(1), 85–96.
Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.
This article offers reflective insight, not clinical or legal advice.
If you are struggling with grief or loss, contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or MensLine (1300 78 99 78).
© 2025 Mentoring Through the Maze | Written by David Kernohan, Founder and Men’s Mentor – Perth, Western Australia.
Learn why I write about grief, loss and rebuilding life as a father and a son – Men’s Grief and Healing | A Mentor’s Journey to Emotional Recovery
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