A man may make a choice that does not seem practical because the choice feels connected to his perception of who he is.
TL;DR
Decisions that look irrational often make more sense when you understand what the choice means to the man making it. After a divorce, redundancy, retirement, bereavement, or another major life change, a decision may stop being about money, work, a house, or where to live and instead feel like proof that he still matters, that he is still a good father, that he has not failed, or that he still has a future that feels like his own.
That pressure can pull him towards a choice that costs more, carries greater risk, or makes less practical sense.
He can respond by asking two questions: what will this choice actually change, and what am I afraid it will say about me? Once he separates those questions, he can assess the real consequences and look for other ways to rebuild what matters. One decision no longer has to define who he is.
Understanding Decisions That Look Irrational After Major Life Change
When making a decision, a man may recognise the sensible option and still feel drawn to another choice. He may understand the figures, the advice and the risks. He may even agree that another option is more practical, yet something in him still resists it.
A major life change can make a decision feel far more personal than it first appears. A divorce may alter a man’s place in family life, while redundancy can shake confidence built through years of work. Retirement can remove a role that gave him a sense of usefulness, and bereavement can end the future he expected to share with someone. When a decision comes after one of these changes, he may be weighing more than the practical choice in front of him.
In mentoring conversations, men rarely say they are struggling with their identity. They usually come with a decision they cannot settle on: whether to sell the house, leave a relationship, accept a job, return to work or move somewhere new. As we talk, the key question often becomes clearer. What does this decision seem to say about who he is now?
Practical Decisions and Identity
Q: Why can a practical decision feel so personal?
A: Identity is how a man understands himself. It includes what matters to him, what he believes he can do, where he belongs, the roles that matter to him, and the future he expects. This sense of self, or identity, develops slowly through work, relationships, family, faith, friendships and experience.
When one part of his life changes quickly, he does not suddenly lose the abilities or values he had before. He may still be capable, responsible, caring or experienced. What can change is where he applies those qualities and how he sees himself.
Slotter and Walsh (2017) found that major life changes, including divorce and job loss, can affect how clearly people understand themselves. Their study does not explain any one man’s decision, but it supports a point many men recognise: circumstances can change faster than your sense of who you are.
Consider a man choosing between two jobs after redundancy. One offers reliable income and better hours. The other has a title closer to the senior role he previously held. The first may suit his life better, while the second may reassure him that his career has not gone backwards. The decision is no longer just about pay and conditions.
Making decisions about your home after separation can work the same way. Selling may reduce financial pressure, while keeping the home may feel connected to being a father and to keeping some part of family life intact. The important question is not simply what happened. It is what the old job, relationship, home or role gave him before it changed.
Reflection point: Before things changed, what did the job, relationship or role give you? What are you afraid you may lose now?
Choices That Feel Like Judgements About Identity
A choice becomes much harder when a man believes that one option will confirm what he fears about himself. A lower-status job may feel like proof that his best working years are behind him. Selling the family home may feel like proof that he has lost his place as a father. Stopping paid work may feel like proof that he is no longer useful.
In reality, a decision cannot prove those things. Selling a house will never determine whether a man is a good father. A job title cannot determine whether he is capable. Retirement cannot determine whether his knowledge still matters. He may understand all of that yet still feel the pressure.
That is why more facts do not always settle the choice. A man may already know what his lawyer, accountant, partner or adult children think. The part he still needs to understand is what he fears the choice will mean about him.
Reflection point:
When you have difficulty making a decision, ask yourself: If I choose this, what am I afraid it will say about me? Can this decision really prove that?
What the Less Practical Choice May Be Trying to Preserve.
Q: Why can the less practical choice still feel right?
A: Sometimes the less practical choice offers something the man badly wants to reclaim. The demanding job may help him feel respected again. Staying close to the family home may help him feel connected to fatherhood. Part-time work after retirement may give him a place where his experience still matters. A move after bereavement may help him believe that a different future is possible.
These needs are real. The difficulty arises when a man expects a single decision to restore everything the change has taken from him. A new job may help restore confidence, or keeping the family home may help him feel connected to his role as a father. But no single choice can rebuild every part of a life that has been disrupted.
Once a man knows what he is trying to regain, he has more options. He can ask where else he might rebuild respect, connection, usefulness or direction instead of making one decision responsible for everything.
Reflection point: What are you hoping this choice will give you in return? Where else could you begin rebuilding that part of your life?
Major Life Change, Identity and Decision-Making
An Unclear Future and Decision Pressure
Q: What Happens When the Future Is Hard to Picture?
A: A major change can also make the future difficult to imagine. A man may know what he has lost and still have no clear picture of the life that comes next. That makes decisions harder because he is choosing between futures he cannot yet see clearly.
Researchers sometimes call our sense of connection with the person we will become “future-self continuity”. Hershfield (2011) reviewed evidence that this connection can influence decisions with future consequences. Put simply, decisions can be harder when you cannot picture the life you will live later.
After a major change, that future person may feel unfamiliar. A divorce can end the later life a man imagined within the marriage. Redundancy can derail a career path he expected to follow. Retirement can remove work from the picture. Bereavement can end a future built around another person.
A man may have trouble picturing what his life will look like next. That uncertainty can make decisions harder because each option seems to lead to a different future.
When one option feels closer to the life he knew before, it may feel safer or more familiar, even if it is less practical. Another option may make better sense on paper but feel harder to accept because he cannot yet imagine himself living it.
The decision is therefore about more than choosing between two practical options. He is also trying to work out which future he can see himself living in.
This is one reason why rebuilding purpose after a loss or a major life change can matter. A man needs more than a plan for next week. Over time, he needs a future that feels possible and recognisable as his own.
Reflection point: Picture yourself six or twelve months after each option. Which future is hardest to imagine? What would make that future feel more possible?
Recognising Identity Pressure in a Difficult Decision
Q: How Do You Know When a Decision Means More Than the Practical Choice?
A: A useful clue is that the practical facts are fairly clear, but the pressure remains high. You know the money, the timing, the risks, or the likely consequences, yet you still feel that one option is almost impossible to accept.
At that point, separate the two questions. First, what will each choice actually change in daily life? Consider money, time, health, work, parenting, relationships, location and future options. Second, what are you afraid each choice will say about you?
That second question may reveal why the choice feels so difficult. You may fear that taking a lower-paid job signals failure. You may fear that selling the house means giving up on fatherhood. You may feel that returning to work proves you still matter. Once you can name the fear, you can ask whether the decision really has the power to prove it.
Examples of What a Decision Can Mean
| Visible decision | What it may seem to mean | Practical questions |
| Accept a lower-status job after redundancy. | “My career is going backwards” or “I am less capable now” | Income, workload, conditions, health and future options |
| Keep or sell the family home after separation | “Am I still the father I was?” or “Where do I belong now?” | Affordability, parenting arrangements, location and maintenance |
| Return to paid work after retirement. | “I still need to prove that I am useful” | Health, time, income and the life he wants now |
| Move after bereavement | “Am I allowed to build a different life without leaving the past behind?” | Cost, support, location, family access and practical needs |
Reflection point: What do you want this decision to show about who you are? If the decision could not prove that, what would you look at differently?
Making Clearer Decisions After Major Life Change
Separating Meaning From Consequences
Q: How Can a Man Make a Clearer Decision?
A: Understanding why a choice matters does not mean it is the best option. A man still needs to consider the likely consequences and whether he can live with them.
Sometimes delaying a decision can help when it would be hard to reverse, emotions are changing quickly, or the man cannot yet separate practical consequences from what the choice seems to say about him.
A blanket rule is less useful because some decisions cannot wait, and some men already have enough information. Before deciding, he should understand what has changed, what each option will cost, and what he expects the choice to prove. If those questions remain unclear, more time or a careful conversation may help.
A separated father may understand why keeping the family home feels important, yet still decide that the financial strain is too high. A retired man may understand why going back to work makes him feel useful, yet still decide that the hours would return him to a way of life he no longer wants.
The conventional option is not automatically right either. A choice that seems risky to others may align with his values and circumstances. The aim is not to choose what everyone else calls sensible. The aim is to understand why the choice matters, face the likely consequences, and decide whether they are workable.
A man can often think more clearly when he stops asking one decision to prove whether he still matters. He can decide what the practical choice needs to achieve, then find other ways to rebuild what he lost when his life changed.
Rebuilding Trust in Yourself After Major Life Change
Looking at what has changed can help a man understand why he is reacting differently and which parts of his life now need rebuilding. Everyday life can show him what he can still do and what still matters to him. He learns that he can still make sound decisions, maintain boundaries, solve problems, care for his children, and apply what he knows, even though his circumstances have changed.
A former executive may notice that people still seek his judgement even after the title is gone. A separated father may discover that being reliable across two homes matters more than keeping one address. A retired man may find that his knowledge still helps others through teaching, mentoring or community work.
These experiences matter because a man does not rebuild his confidence through a single dramatic choice. It grows when life gives him repeated reasons to trust what he knows, what he values and what he can still do.
A man’s circumstances can change overnight. Working out who he is in those new circumstances can take much longer. Over time, he can begin to rebuild a life that feels like his own again.
Reflection point: Where can you already see that you are still capable, useful or connected even though your circumstances have changed? What could give you more evidence of that?
What Difficult Decisions Can Reveal About What Still Needs Attention.
If several decisions keep raising the same fear, the problem may be larger than the immediate choice. You may keep worrying about being useful, being a good father, losing respect, belonging somewhere, or having a future that feels worth moving towards. That pattern can show you which part of your life still needs attention after the change.
Start with the decision in front of you. Work out what it will actually change. Then ask what you fear it says about you and whether a single choice can truly decide that. Finally, look at where else you can rebuild what matters.
You may still choose the harder path. You may accept a cost others would avoid. The difference is that you can explain why you are choosing it and what you expect it to achieve. The decision becomes part of rebuilding your life. It no longer has to prove who you are.
If a decision after grief, separation, a change of work or retirement feels unusually difficult, Mentoring Through the Maze® can help you sort through what the choice will change, what it means to you, and what you need to do next. The decision remains yours. The aim is to make it with greater clarity, sound judgement and confidence in your ability to deal with what follows.
Key Points
- Major life change can make an ordinary decision feel like a judgement about who a man is.
- A choice that looks irrational may be an attempt to protect something important, such as fatherhood, competence, belonging, or usefulness.
- Understanding why a choice matters does not make it wise. Money, time, health, relationships and other consequences still matter.
- A clearer decision comes from separating what the choice will actually change from what the man fears it says about him.
- A man does not have to rebuild his whole sense of self through one major decision. Confidence grows through what he does and experiences over time.
Frequently Asked Questions About Decisions That Look Irrational
Why do men make decisions that look irrational after a major life change?
A decision can look irrational when others focus mainly on the practical consequences, while the man is also responding to what the choice means to him. After divorce, redundancy, retirement, bereavement, or another major change, a decision about work, money, a house, or where to live may become connected to fatherhood, competence, usefulness, belonging, or the future. Understanding that meaning helps explain the decision without assuming that the choice itself is necessarily the best option.
Can a decision that looks irrational still be reasonable?
Yes. A choice that seems impractical to someone else may still fit a man’s values, circumstances and priorities. The important question is whether he understands both why the choice matters to him and what the likely consequences will be. A decision becomes easier to assess when he can separate what the choice will actually change from what he hopes it will prove or restore.
Why can the less practical option feel more important?
The less practical option may appear to protect something that became uncertain after the life change. A senior job title may help a man feel that his professional standing remains intact. Keeping the family home may feel connected with his role as a father. Returning to work after retirement may reassure him that he is still useful. The practical cost may therefore be competing with something personally important that is harder to see from the outside.
How can major life change affect decision-making?
A major change can alter familiar roles, relationships, and expectations about the future. A man may therefore be deciding, while he is still working it out, where he belongs, what remains important, and what his life will look like next. This can give ordinary choices much more weight than they would have carried before the change.
Should a man delay major decisions after a major life change?
Sometimes delaying a decision can help, particularly when the choice is difficult to reverse or when the man is still unsure what is driving it. Delay is not always possible or necessary. What matters is whether he understands the practical consequences, why one option feels particularly important and what he expects the decision to achieve.
How can mentoring help with a difficult decision?
Mentoring can help a man separate the practical decision from the personal meaning attached to it. The conversation can explore what has changed, why particular options feel important and what each choice is likely to mean in daily life. It can also help him identify other ways to rebuild confidence, connection, usefulness, or direction, so that a single decision does not have to carry the full weight of rebuilding his life.
About David Kernohan
David Kernohan is a Perth-based men’s mentor who helps men rebuild their sense of identity, direction, and self-trust after grief, loss, and major life changes. His work particularly supports men navigating bereavement, separation and divorce, difficult father relationships, major role changes, and the effects of leaving high-control religion.
David began his professional life as a Mental Health Nurse and has since spent more than 20 years leading community, mental health and legal organisations working with people facing complex social and emotional challenges. He has served as a Director of Community Legal Centres and held senior leadership roles across homelessness, mental health, crisis support and services for men.
His work is also informed by lived experience, including the death of his son, divorce and leaving fundamentalism. These experiences have shaped his understanding of how deeply major life events can change the way a man sees himself, his relationships and his future.
David is the founder of Mentoring Through the Maze®, a non-clinical mentoring practice helping men understand what has changed, rebuild a stronger sense of who they are, and move forward with greater clarity and confidence.
References
Slotter, E. B., & Walsh, C. M. (2017). Not all role transitions are experienced equally: Associations among self-change, emotional reactions, and self-concept clarity. Self and Identity, 16(5), 531–556. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2017.1280528
Hershfield, H. E. (2011). Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1235(1), 30–43. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1749-6632.2011.06201.x
Hershfield, H. E., Cohen, T. R., & Thompson, L. (2012). Short horizons and tempting situations: Lack of continuity to our future selves leads to unethical decision making and behaviour. Organisational Behaviour and Human Decision Processes, 117(2), 298–310. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2011.11.002
Fletcher, D., Houghton, R., & Spence, A. (2026). Decisions for a future self: Identity-relevant attributes rated more important when anticipating intervening self-change. Self and Identity. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2026.2716179
